The Last Thing the Internet Needs Now


Thematic Break: Remove Me From Your Space. NOW.
November 9, 2007, 12:00 pm
Filed under: Internet | Tags: , , , ,

Need to vent about this, in the form of an open letter:

Dear (Popular Social Networking Site) Kahuna, Whoever the Hell You Are:

WHAT PART OF PLEASE CANCEL MY ACCOUNT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

I submitted a “Cancel” on my account last Sunday. According to your own website if a user cancels his/her account, the comments they’ve posted, blog posts, bulletins they’ve posted (lots), pictures (a grand total of one and that was of a tiny tiny turtle held on the fingertip of a zookeeper), whatever — poof — all gone. Supposedly.

So why are my comments still visible on the pages of a pair of friends (online friends and real-life friends as well) still visible? Is this because you’ve yet to vaporize me? What’s the holdup?

Look I understand you probably don’t get why someone would want to actually *leave.* But trust me, I can come up with them because I’m just anti-friendly enough to do that.

First of all, the tacky and ridiculous (and no doubt unkind to dialup users, which I am thankfully not) Flash ads screaming “YOU HAVE THREE NEW CRUSH ALERTS!” or “HOW _________ ARE YOU?” (insert Evil, Emo, Dumb, Horny, or whatever in the blank space, it’s probably just another obnoxious flash ad). Somebody pays for this crap, right? Yup, usually companies deeply desirous of clogging your inbox with, um, unappetizing-looking canned processed meat products. Before I signed up with another e-mail provider I just adored sifting through the hundreds and hundreds of messages in my inbox encouraging me to buy products to enlarge my non-existent penis.

And really, if something were about to crush me I’m not sure that an Internet warning would suffice. It isn’t like I take my computer *everywhere* and, well, if I’ve been crushed to death I’m probably not going to be checking e-mail. I really don’t see why this warrants more screaming, ugly advertisements.

Oh, you mean THAT kind of crush. Oh yeah I forgot, (Popular Social Networking Site, hereinafter styled “PSNS”) is the middle school of the Internet, rife with ugly, awkward 13 year olds with raging acne AND hormones who don’t have a clue how swiftly life is about to screw them front, back and sideways in every cavity that God drilled into them. Um yeah like I really want to go back to those days (but I’ll tell you what: No two television programs illustrated those awkward years better than Freaks and Geeks and The Wonder Years).

And sorry, not all your users were a) looking for a hookup, whether illegal/illicit or not; b) wanting to post their drunken party pictures or c) wanting to post gigantic, slow-loading, byte-choking .jpgs of Every Single One Of Their Favorite Rock Bands They Ever Listened To In Their Entire Life on their profile page. C’mon, you know who you are, there are a whole bunch of you on (PSNS), you’re like an army or something. While waiting for your pages to load I forgot why I went to see your pages in the first place. And please, I’m not a music hater at all. I don’t even hate *your* music (unless you listen to country music or something, in which case we have problems). Sorry if I misused my (PSNS) account for, oh I don’t know, other stuff?

BTW, this blog was born on (PSNS); the Greg Oden “birthday party’s over” and Maryland basketball uniform rant posts were originally posted there. Thankfully I wised up and opened a WordPress account, ’cause all I wanted to do was write anyway.

And oh yes, how could I forget this one: You can do all the fun custom crap and be able to use the more advanced features that PSNS has to offer … provided you are using MS Explorer and, as is the case frequently, a Windows PC. Gee, way to be really be inclusive of users who prefer different operating systems (hello Mac and Linux), or to use browsers like Firefox which, well, don’t suck. And that cute little message on one such custom feature: “Mac and Linux users — we’re working on it!” does not suffice. It’s been there a while. You just don’t care.

Yes I knew exactly what I was getting into when I started a (PSNS) account. I’m a dumbass. But you offer users the opportunity to cancel their accounts. By not honoring my request to cancel my account, why I think that’s bad faith.

So please get off your ass and zap my account. Thanks!

Love always Bite me

— sterrapin.

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